Some of us aren't quite sure how to begin.
How do we start to recognize the worth in ourselves? When in our lives, every time we did something good, we undersold ourselves. We live in a society that calls every one of us Millenials/Gen-Z “egotistical”, yet many of us can’t stand looking at ourselves in the mirror, and seeing who we’ve grown to be. In the generations above us, they look down and scoff at the things we say, calling us attention seekers and adults who can’t handle the stress of the “real world”, not realizing the world they’ve set us up for is completely different from the one they grew up in.
Others first, then me
Sounds great, right? Like everything we’ve been taught. Empathy is a core aspect of what it means to be human, and that shouldn’t ever be taken away from. However, too far down the line this can be extremely detrimental. I see it play out in my life, and in the lives of my friends who are similar to me. The “Mom Friend™” or the confidant, the person who people come to to discuss all their issues, and inevitably ignore the advice given to them ninety percent of the time. It feels amazing, helping others. That is, it feels amazing until you’re so overwhelmed with your own issues, pulled down under the sand and struggling to breathe, to survive.
There’s no one you feel comfortable giving that part of yourself to, in fear of becoming overbearing or causing others stress. You look at yourself and think, “How did I end up here?” You try and you try and you try to help yourself the way you help others, but you can’t. It’s not working. The spiral starts, and you get increasingly more frustrated and depressed and anxious and it just won’t stop. The thoughts get louder, and the fear of vulnerability becomes more real. After all, you’re the fix-it. If you can’t fix you, how can you fix others?
Yet you plod along, despising your being, and try to maintain the facade you’ve held for years. Desperately wanting to tear this mask off, but feeling too terrified of admitting you need help to get through this. Your friends only like you because you can give them solutions, right? They only like you because you listen, or are funny, or compliment them all the time, right? They like you because you let them walk all over you, and don’t fight back when you should.
Maybe
So what, you think all that? Maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not. If it is, screw that. We all deserve more than being someone’s doormat. If it is not, why do we think that way? Why are we so obsessed with projecting our skewed sense of worth onto other individuals?
You're right.
Let’s take a step back, leave those relationships slowly, and fade those people out of our lives. In a day to day struggle for us to look at ourselves and not despise what we see, we don’t need the constant negativity pouring into us and fueling our doubts. It’s so hard, but so worth it. Trust me dear, it will do wonders for your mindset. The fear of never being included will be there for awhile, but you will find a place to fit in, with people who genuinely care for and love you for who you are, not what you’ve done for them. You will look back at the time you spent with people who took you for granted, and wonder why you stayed there for so long, ultimately overjoyed with your short burst of courage that took you so, so far.
You're wrong.
Help ourselves out a bit. Look at yourself from the third perspective. Think of your friends, the true ones who you love to pieces, and would give bits of yourself to knowing they would be safe in their arms. If they were to think the things you do about yourself, and verbalize them, would you treat them the way you treat yourself?
Your gut instinct might be to say, “That would never happen, I’m far more horrible than she is,” and would dismiss the question entirely. But truly, if this were to occur, you would probably be heartbroken.
If your best friend told you she wanted to die, because she could never truly believe that she was worth anything. If she said she can’t look at herself in the mirror, because every time she does, all she can see how ugly and worthless she is. If she sobbed into your arms, talking about how she would never truly be loved because of something she’s done, of how irredeemable she is. If she broke down and self-harmed, showing you her scars and said this is the only way she could feel emotion, and calm herself down again, repeating the process over and over just to feel something. If she told you how her anxiety gets her so far gone that she can barely breathe, or hyperventilates to the point that she feels like she’s going to puke or pass out.
How could you look her in the eye and tell her that she’s right? How could you tell her that she’s a horrible individual that deserves all the torture she’s putting herself through, when she’s the closest person to you? Would you treat her the way you treat yourself, justifying the things she’s saying with little things from the past that truly don’t matter in your future? Or if something she did in the past wasn’t little, would you want her to dwell on the fact, or work to move on.
Darling, you are not defined by the things of your past. Though they have shaped you, and caused things to happen. You can move on. Lurking in memories that are harmful does nothing for you other than causing countless other mistakes to be made. We are given opportunities for growth through our mistakes, not in spite of them. Through every decision, countless possibilities are created. Is that not a reason for acceptance?
How can I love myself?
It is not an event that occurs overnight, or even in a year. Only recently have I started to realize that dwelling in the things that I have done is not doing me anything but harm. So what? I messed up. I am human; that’s what humans do.
Self-love is not reaching my version of perfection.
My thoughts about myself are not dependent upon hitting all of my goals. Self-love is realizing I am not perfect, but I am myself. I should not have to change who I am or how I look like to become in love with myself. I am me. My thoughts are my own, and though I may not have complete control of them now, I will fight tooth and nail to regain what I own and create. When I fail, I will not dwell in my failure, but I will continue to fight for what is mine.
You are you, and you deserve to be loved.
Self-love is not being the best of the best.
How many times do we look at people who are popular and long to be them, even though we can tell they aren’t truly happy? Did you ever stop to think they might be acting too? They plausibly could be. Why do we long for a reflection of glory when we could have the same thing, but without all the theatrics? Stop putting so much stock in being surrounded by “friends” and appreciate the small group of close friends that you do have.
Self-love is not trying to be what you’re told to be.
Desperately conforming yourself to mold to others’ expectations will not bring you happiness in the long run. Trust me, I’ve tried. All it will bring you is guilt, for lying to yourself and others. If you’re going to change, change yourself for you, not for others. Change can be good! But trying to be something you’re not isn’t.
Self-love
One day, you will look in the mirror, and realize your worth doesn’t come from your weight or your face, nor the mental struggles you deal with on a day to day basis. You will realize your worth is intrinsic, and no one can take that away from you.
No matter what you look like, there is beauty in remaining true to yourself. People notice when you are doing so, and it makes a major difference in how you are perceived. Who cares if you aren’t the ideal weight when you glow just from talking about your passions? Who cares if you have a gap in your teeth if you’re giggling at something your friend said, lost in the euphoria of the time? All you are is wonderful, as long as you’re trying to stay true.
This I will drill into you, do not change for others. Learn to love yourself as is, and then you will find others who actually care about you, not your image. The advice sounds cheesy, and it kind of is. But it’s starting to work for me, so I hope it will for you, too. It is by no means easy. There will be days (and nights) where you still can’t shake any of your thoughts away, and that’s normal. It’s real, and it’s a part of being human. You won’t be able to get rid of everything that’s negative at once, and that’s okay. One step is enough of a movement to get you going. From there one more comes, and another. Don’t think so far ahead in the future and get overwhelmed by your own expectations. You’re allowed to mess up, stumble and fall, just fight like never before to stand back up again.
I’m learning to lean on others and accept that for right now, I can’t stand upright on my own. But because of this, one day I will be able to. That’s good enough for me.
To whoever read this, know you are loved. If you can’t see that with people in your life, know that you are by me. I am always willing to converse with you, even if you just want to tell me little things that bugged you or were great about your day! I have comments and my email set up for a reason <3.
I hope that one day, you will find self-love. Whether it be a week from now, or ten years down the road, I pray for your satisfaction in where you are, not who you want to be.
Much love,
Jules
A Million Ways to Feel 